Anxiety has been part of my life for a long time. It knows my bones. It used to be chronic and I figured out ways of adapting so that I didn’t have to feel it. But it never went away it was just kind of pushed underground.
My practice has helped me get to know anxiety. Teachers talk about befriending it, inviting it in for tea. Being curious. The truth is I thought I had been doing this for a while now. Getting to know “my anxious feelings” understanding that when anxiety shows up it's reminding me an unexpressed need or emotion wants to be acknowledged and felt.
But over the last week I’ve started scratching the surface of another layer and the resistance to this has been HUGE. I’m beginning to understand that the parts of me that are not okay are just as lovable as the parts of me that are.
If you’re struggling with anxiety I want you to know that I see you. I’m with you and you aren’t only lovable when you’re strong. You aren’t only lovable when you keep your feelings inside. You aren’t only lovable when you smile. You aren’t only lovable when you help. You aren’t only lovable when you pretend it doesn’t hurt. You aren’t only lovable when you are capable and doing all the things. You aren’t only lovable when you get over it quickly.
The parts of you that are scared are just as lovable as the rest of you.
The parts that don’t know what to do are just as lovable as the rest of you.
The parts of you that are exhausted from pretending are just as lovable as the rest of you.
The parts of you that are holding on to control like your life depends on it are just as lovable as the rest of you.
The parts of you that feel lost also belong.
You’re lovable when you’re okay and when you’re not okay.
I’m learning this about myself, too. And tbh it feels hard. This learning. In my body. Admitting I’m not okay. Because I don’t fully trust that other people can handle it. I’m scared of admitting what I used to think was “weakness”. It doesn’t feel safe. But I’m learning. And I’m beyond grateful to the people in my life who are showing me it’s possible to fall apart truly and still be loved.